From the perspective of a psychologist and life coach I researched this topic. I found poor self-belief can often be attributed to a lack of affection and attention from parents. When a parent is distant emotionally a child often assumes that they are not worth much and that they are not unconditionally loved. Without the confidence of feeling loved by your parents it is difficult to believe that it is possible for anyone to love you. You feel unloveable, by others as well as by your self.
This impression of feeling unloveable leads to individuals in adulthood being vulnerable to falling into relationships with anyone that shows them affection, let alone love. Unfortunately entering into a relationship when you have very low self-worth often means that if you are treated badly it becomes very difficult to break free.
You stay in this unhealthy relationship by rationlising i) that is all you are used to; ii) it is only what you deserve; iii) you are lucky to have found anyone that cares for you at all and it is not worth taking a risk that you will find someone else.
In an emotionally abusive relationship these insecurities are fed by the abuser to maintain their control. Your sense of self and trust in yourself get eroded, one damning remark after another. You get to the point where you really don't know whether to listen to your inner voice any more - you question your entire value system and ability to make decisions.
In my own case when I look back I can see that some of my fundamental strengths got twisted until, brainwashed, I began to fulfill the expectation that had been put on me. For instance, I can remember teaching my then partner how to lay and light a fire in my fireplace - something I had always enjoyed - but after some time with constant criticism and derision at my efforts from him I began to question whether I could light my fire and even began to fail to do it. It sounds ridiculous but it took a really strong inner voice to remind myself that this was something that I was not only capable of doing but was good at.
When you start from the point of not feeling worthy of your parents' love and end up in an emotionally abusive relationship it is extremely difficult to have the strength, courage and self-belief to believe that you are worth more and to break free.
Having low self-belief has the identifying charateristics of wanting to blend into the background and fit in yet at the same time desperately wanting to stand out enough to be appreciated and have your efforts recognised. This pattern can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration and envy at the same time as finding it difficult to accept compliments. It can also lead to an heightened desire to please, putting others' needs before your own, and being over generous. Often being indecisive is another trait. People pleasers often struggle to deal with aggression and find it difficult to assert themselves - either giving in too much or reacting overly defensively to perceived criticisms or dislike. Losing your true value system and self-knowledge is the ultimate result. Which voice do you listen to?
Recognising how these charateristics make you vulnerable to emotional abuse is vital in altering your self-belief, forgiving yourself and making a fresh start. Realising that the style in which you were brought up in has meant that you have developed patterns of behaviour that strive to get you some attention and love and that that is completely normal and natural. It is what we are designed to do from birth after all.
It is important not to move into blaming your parents. They have done the best that they can. They behave the way that they do due to how they were brought up, their parenting model.
Now is the time to understand what has happened, to free yourself from blame, and to forgive yourself. Now is the time to take responsibility for your decisions, reactions, and choices. Now is the time to belive and trust in the unique genious that is you.
You are worthy.
From this day forward value yourself.
Remember: you are what you think.
Hope you are moving from grey sky to blue x
