What causes low self-belief?

What causes low self-belief? This is a question that I sought the answer to when I realised that building my self-esteem was crucial to building the solid foundations on which to build the rest of my life. I truly felt that unless I treated the underlying cause I would never be able to treat the symptoms.

From the perspective of a psychologist and life coach I researched this topic. I found poor self-belief can often be attributed to a lack of affection and attention from parents. When a parent is distant emotionally a child often assumes that they are not worth much and that they are not unconditionally loved. Without the confidence of feeling loved by your parents it is difficult to believe that it is possible for anyone to love you. You feel unloveable, by others as well as by your self.

This impression of feeling unloveable leads to individuals in adulthood being vulnerable to falling into relationships with anyone that shows them affection, let alone love. Unfortunately entering into a relationship when you have very low self-worth often means that if you are treated badly it becomes very difficult to break free.

You stay in this unhealthy relationship by rationlising  i) that is all you are used to; ii) it is only what you deserve; iii) you are lucky to have found anyone that cares for you at all and it is not worth taking a risk that you will find someone else.

In an emotionally abusive relationship these insecurities are fed by the abuser to maintain their control. Your sense of self and trust in yourself get eroded, one damning remark after another. You get to the point where you really don't know whether to listen to your inner voice any more - you question your entire value system and ability to make decisions.

In my own case when I look back I can see that some of my fundamental strengths got twisted until, brainwashed, I began to fulfill the expectation that had been put on me. For instance, I can remember teaching my then partner how to lay and light a fire in my fireplace - something I had always enjoyed - but after some time with constant criticism and derision at my efforts from him I began to question whether I could light my fire and even began to fail to do it. It sounds ridiculous but it took a really strong inner voice to remind myself that this was something that I was not only capable of doing but was good at.

When you start from the point of not feeling worthy of your parents' love and end up in an emotionally abusive relationship it is extremely difficult to have the strength, courage and self-belief to believe that you are worth more and to break free.

Having low self-belief has the identifying charateristics of wanting to blend into the background and fit in yet at the same time desperately wanting to stand out enough to be appreciated and have your efforts recognised. This pattern can lead to feelings of resentment, frustration and envy at the same time as finding it difficult to accept compliments. It can also lead to an heightened desire to please, putting others' needs before your own, and being over generous. Often being indecisive is another trait. People pleasers often struggle to deal with aggression and find it difficult to assert themselves - either giving in too much or reacting overly defensively to perceived criticisms or dislike. Losing your true value system and self-knowledge is the ultimate result. Which voice do you listen to?

Recognising how these charateristics make you vulnerable to emotional abuse is vital in altering your self-belief, forgiving yourself and making a fresh start. Realising that the style in which you were brought up in has meant that you have developed patterns of behaviour that strive to get you some attention and love and that that is completely normal and natural. It is what we are designed to do from birth after all.

It is important not to move into blaming your parents. They have done the best that they can. They behave the way that they do due to how they were brought up, their parenting model.

Now is the time to understand what has happened, to free yourself from blame, and to forgive yourself. Now is the time to take responsibility for your decisions, reactions, and choices. Now is the time to belive and trust in the unique genious that is you.

 You are worthy.

From this day forward value yourself.

Remember: you are what you think.

Hope you are moving from grey sky to blue  x

How to build self-esteem - Eating An Elephant

It takes courage to finish a relationship, especially one where you have been emotionally abused. You will go through a process of grief - some days feeling strong, other days you are tempted to go back. Good days where you know you have done the right thing for you; bad days where you still crave the good times you had like an addiction. It is powerful and takes energy, strength and self-love to persevere down your new path.

Fulfilling the need to feel loved many people fall quickly into a new relationship often before looking at why things went wrong in the last relationship. If you can fall in love with yourself before moving on you are so unlikely to repeat the same patterns and so likely to find a true, healthy loving relationship.

Changing your self talk is the most important step in building self-esteem.

Recognising and then interupting negative thoughts is vital.

Veto all thoughts of:

 being a victim; 

for apologising for being you;

 "I can't...";

 "I should..."; 

"I never...";

 "I always...";

 "I'm rubbish...";

Who put these thought in your head?

Rephrase them and replace them:

I have been unfortunate but I am unique and lovable just as I am.

It is difficult at the moment but I can learn.

Once you recognise negative self-talk, if you can interupt it with a mantra or positive affirmation you will start to change the way you think. Remember - you are what you think.

How you think effects your attitude. The decision to change the way you think about yourself will change your attitude to things that happen to you and to how you feel about other people - you will interpret things from a new perspective.

Find your own wording for your personal mantra along the lines of:

"STOP!

 I choose the new path.

 I value myself as lovable and wonderful just as I am.

I am stopping every backward looking,

negative thought.

I am what I think"

Every time you catch yourself thinking something negative, stop  and repeat your mantra. This could be thirty times a day, or more, but over time it will get less and less as you retrain your brain.

Let me know any great mantras that have worked for you - they might help other people too.

Keep faith in yourself. Til the next time.

x

 

Eat an Elephant - building self esteem

How do you eat an elephant?

One bite at a time.

How do you climb a mountain?

One step at a time.

"It is not the mountain that we conquer; but ourselves" Sir Edmund Hilary

Persevere - it takes time.

Building your self-esteem is essential when you are recovering from an abusive relationship. If you have been conditioned to think negatively about yourself and have started to doubt who you really are then now is the time for a fresh start, to fight for yourself and to polish off that diamond.

What is self-esteem? Fundamentally, it is how we value ourselves. To do this we have to know ourselves (strengths and weaknesses), see ourselves as we are and accept ourselves as unique and special and then like what we see.

"When we change our attitude towards ourselves, everything else changes as well, for our life is a reflection of the way we feel inside." Dr Mansukh Patel

It is time to focus on who you are, what you believe, what you want for yourself in your life and to start making the changes to ensure you get what you want from now on. Change is difficult and frightening so taking one bite at a time helps us to be brave enough to start.

I recently took part in a 5 day 400km charity cycle across Kenya. The best way I found to cope with this mental and physical mountain was to break each day down into 20km chunks, then stop and recharge for the next section. All I had to do was complete each chunk. Before I knew it I had completed the challenge. 

Set yourself a challenge to value and love yourself - from now on and for the rest of your life. 

There are a few key elements to consider as you take on this callenge:

TAKE RESPONSIBILITY - to be free you have to be responsible for what you think, decisions you make and the life you live.

PERSEVERE -  be determined. It will take time and effort.

BE MOTIVATED - remember why you have made this choice. This is your chance; don't waste it.

REMEMBER: YOU ARE WHAT YOU THINK.

So only think good things!!

Concentrate on all the positives you can find and feel about yourself - from talents to personality traits to everyday actions that you might overlook to parts of your body and to things that you have achieved.  All the little things as well as the more obvious things.


Include everything you can think of and make a list - a long, long list.

I am good: at washing up, at being a mother, at parking a car, at being part of a team, at whistling, at texting with my eyes shut, at cooking a great scrambled egg, at finding a bargain etc etc (By the way - not the list I would make about myself!!!!)

Day dreaming is thinking. Make sure you spend some time every day dreaming about how you want to feel about yourself, how you want to live and how you are going to make it happen. Only good stuff. No looking back. No negatives.

This is just the first small step in bulding your self-esteem and next time I will show you some exercises that will help you take the next step.

x

Incremental Epiphanies - moving forwards

Looking back over an abusive relationship is impossible to avoid. If you have just escaped and started to fight for your freedom it is inevitable that you will try to make sense of how you got to be in a place that you thought you would never visit.

When I first identified my relationship as emotional abuse, when I looked back at the relationship I found that so many incidents then fitted the pattern of abuse. Each time I identified the pattern I inched forwards towards releasing myself from blame. Each time was a flashbulb moment that felt like another piece of a jigsaw neatly slotting into place. Incremental epiphanies that started to free me until, instead of thinking in an addicitive way still wanting to convince my ex- partner that I had a voice, I now felt like I had had a lucky escape. Now I had a chance to be me again. The further away I was, the better I started to feel.

I also found that I started to look at why I had fallen into the trap of an abusive relationship. I needed to work how how I could make sure that I never repeated the pattern. Why was my self-esteem so low? Why could I not walk away much earlier when it was so obviously a dysfunctional relationship? Why did I need to feel loved so badly?

After some research I found that if  you leave your childhood without the feeling of unconditional love from one or both of your parents you seek out approval and you don't have a reserve of self-confidence. It is a real struggle if you have parents that set expectations that you cannot meet, that do not show emotions and cannot express how they feel, that are often absent, that simply do not connect with you, let alone if you have any physical abuse. Do you recognise yourself in this picture? It leads you to search for parent replacements in your partners - father/mother figures, relationships built on fulfilling your childhood needs, anyone who loves you....

It is time to see clearly: looking back to your childhood self, recognising why you were vulnerable, believing that you are fantastic, brilliant, unique and lovable human. From now on you will judge yourself as your own best friend would - with kindness.What would they say to you if they knew all that you have been through? They would still love you and want to help you and protect you from ever being hurt in that way again. If you can start to treat yourself in this way you will leap towards a life that allows you to be you, to be loved just as you are.

Every diamond is found in the dirt - you are a diamond that you need to reveal facet by facet until you are once again sparkling in the sunshine.

I hope that you can recognise some of what you may be going through and take heart that others have been there, survived and thrived. A bit like when you hear the lyrics to a song that resonate utterly with how you are feeling. You know you are not alone. You are not the only person to have felt this way. Feeling solidarity is a brilliant source of courage and strength for facing each day and moving forwards towards the life you have dreamed of having.

When you have been in an abusive relationship for some time you need to understand that you are likely to be depressed, physically run down and mentally exhausted. One of the ways to start to show yourself some love is to start to take care of yourself. This is something I will write about in depth in future blogs. I will also help with building self-esteem, finding your new direction and fulfilling your dreams.

Please feel free to add any encouraging comments and stories so that we can build a support network based on solidarity and friendship for each other.

x

You are what you think

Never underestimate the power of words – they affect how you think. The words you hear, the words you use when you talk to yourself change the way you behave. There may be no external, visible damage but words can cause long term harm. 

Being humiliated, criticised, undermined, insulted not only hurts but if you get used to hearing it you begin to believe it. Gradually you lose your sense of who you are, your self worth, your self-esteem, your self belief. The person you know to be you is deconstructed until you feel like you no longer know yourself.

As your self-confidence is undermined you start to question your own judgement and your reactions. If you find yourself feeling that you have got everything wrong, when you are made to feel that everything is always your fault, whatever, and thinking that they must be right and you must be wrong then these are signs that they are controlling you.

Does the other person always say that their behaviour was caused by you, you are ultimately to blame for everything, it is your fault you feel bad? 

Are you accused of being too sensitive? If you are feeling upset and tearful you get the silent treatment not sympathy? When you try to make them understand how you feel and how hurt you are do you feel that only if they apologise will your feelings be validated. Then maybe they will change, be like they used to be at the beginning, that everything will be ok again. 

Do they get into a sulk, withhold attention if they don’t get their own way so that you end up walking on eggshells and adjusting everything you say and do “for an easy life”? You end up doing anything to keep them happy of get their attention. Sometimes this gets a good response but usually this is dismissed or taken for granted and not given any recognition. You keep up the effort for the odd time you get praise.

Or do you walk on eggshells because of fear? Do you dread them being in a bad mood leading to anger and insults, bitter outbursts and verbal attacks? Or worse, have you ever been physically attacked? There is no excuse. You are not to blame. Your fear gives the abuser control. It is has no part in a loving relationship.

Can they be very loving but also highly critical of you? They may tell you how much they love you, but show little consideration towards you. In fact a lot of the time they treat you as if you were someone they actually dislike.

Do you feel distressed, depressed, tearful, hopeless and helpless? Do you no longer feel that you can talk to anyone about your relationship as you would have to defend their actions and your decision to stay? Do you feel ashamed to stay, frightened to go? Have you started to avoid social situations so that you don’t have to talk about what is going on?

It is part of your recovery process to realise that although you have been in a love-based relationship they have been in a control-based relationship. They have been using you to have a feeling of control and power in their life and to offset their feelings of low self-worth. A bully makes others feel worse in order that they feel better in comparison. If someone is lower than you, you feel higher. 

Recognising that you are or have been on the receiving end of this abuse is a massive step towards your recovery. You are not to blame. You will heal the damage they have done. Once you are liberated mentally you can start to reconstruct yourself, to build your self-esteem. 

Remember - you are what you think. So think good thought about yourself. Words can help you mend. Stop yourself thinking negative things. Concentrate on all the good and start to love yourself again. Be your own best friend.

 From this place you can start to trust yourself and then others. With self-knowledge you are unlikely to repeat the pattern by falling for someone with the same behaviour patterns as you will no longer be vulnerable. Your strong self- belief will protect you. You sky will turn from grey to blue. It may take time but you have started on your new journey.

I had a light bulb moment when I was feeling in despair. I had got to the point where I hated myself and could see no benefit for my existence. Yet being a mother made me determined to fight on. Deep down there was an inner voice that knew I was not that bad, that I did have something to offer. My lightbulb moment happened when I was talking to someone about the symptoms of addiction and started recognising some of the signs in myself. Not to any chemical substance but to my relationship. The patterns of recovery and relapse seemed mirrored in my response to my partner. Why could I not free myself?

It made me search for a reason. I came across emotional abuse and recognised myself in the descriptions. This was a massive step forward for me as at last things began to make sense and from then on pieces of the jigsaw seemed to slot into place. My recovery began. 

Nelson Mandella would refer back to this poem time and again during his period of incarceration on Robin Island. I hope this helps you.

 INVICTUS by William Ernest Henley

 Out of the night that covers me,

 Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

 I thank whatever gods may be

 For my unconquerable soul.

 In the fell clutch of circumstance

 I have not winced nor cried aloud.

 Under the bludgeonings of chance

 My head is bloody, but unbowed.

 Beyond this place of wrath and tears

 Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years

 Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate,

 How charged with punishments the scroll.

 I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.

Is it emotional abuse?

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which has the potential to turn a life around.

         - Leo Buscaglia

I am not sure how I came to realise that what I had survived was emotional abuse. I had been in an on/off relationship with my male partner for about 5 years when it finally shuddered to a halt.

 Throughout this time I had battled internally to hold on to what I thought to be right and true against someone who consistently undermined everything I did, thought, said, believed. Whenever I stood up for me everything went wrong.

 It was all about control. If he felt he was dictating everything and in control of me then things could be good. If not, they were not. Eventually he lost control completely which ended in a night of physical violence and deep fear.

 Even that didn't have me running for the hills. It happened in my home. I could not escape him turning up. I lived with the fear of it happening again.

It was after this time that I started to seriously question my motivation for having anything to do with him. Why did I put up with it? This process resulted in my slow careful steps to ween myself away from such a destructive relationship.

 It felt like an addiction - searching for the highs, craving to get them back whilst in the process destroying my mental and physical health. It was like piecing together a jigsaw puzzle. Slowly a pattern took shape and I began to see that the way I was being treated was not necessary, right or normal.

 It took alot of looking at myself and a great deal of inner strength to find the courage to believe that I would be able to rebuild my life.

I found ways to recover, forgive myself, work out why, learn to love myself, heal my mind and body and then move on to create the life I wanted to live and be me. This is what I would like to share with you. My sky did change from grey to blue. So will yours.

I read and researched all sorts of websites, blogs and books and found a tremendous amount of helpful people, techniques and information.

 However I didn't find an approachable and friendly place where I could find all that I needed on my road to recovery. So I decided that I would try to put something together to build some support for other people going through similar experiences. A space where we can all help each other.

More information on what is emotional abuse is in the next post.

I would love comments on anything that I have posted and also it would be wonderful if you could pass on anything that others might find helpful.