You are what you think

Never underestimate the power of words – they affect how you think. The words you hear, the words you use when you talk to yourself change the way you behave. There may be no external, visible damage but words can cause long term harm. 

Being humiliated, criticised, undermined, insulted not only hurts but if you get used to hearing it you begin to believe it. Gradually you lose your sense of who you are, your self worth, your self-esteem, your self belief. The person you know to be you is deconstructed until you feel like you no longer know yourself.

As your self-confidence is undermined you start to question your own judgement and your reactions. If you find yourself feeling that you have got everything wrong, when you are made to feel that everything is always your fault, whatever, and thinking that they must be right and you must be wrong then these are signs that they are controlling you.

Does the other person always say that their behaviour was caused by you, you are ultimately to blame for everything, it is your fault you feel bad? 

Are you accused of being too sensitive? If you are feeling upset and tearful you get the silent treatment not sympathy? When you try to make them understand how you feel and how hurt you are do you feel that only if they apologise will your feelings be validated. Then maybe they will change, be like they used to be at the beginning, that everything will be ok again. 

Do they get into a sulk, withhold attention if they don’t get their own way so that you end up walking on eggshells and adjusting everything you say and do “for an easy life”? You end up doing anything to keep them happy of get their attention. Sometimes this gets a good response but usually this is dismissed or taken for granted and not given any recognition. You keep up the effort for the odd time you get praise.

Or do you walk on eggshells because of fear? Do you dread them being in a bad mood leading to anger and insults, bitter outbursts and verbal attacks? Or worse, have you ever been physically attacked? There is no excuse. You are not to blame. Your fear gives the abuser control. It is has no part in a loving relationship.

Can they be very loving but also highly critical of you? They may tell you how much they love you, but show little consideration towards you. In fact a lot of the time they treat you as if you were someone they actually dislike.

Do you feel distressed, depressed, tearful, hopeless and helpless? Do you no longer feel that you can talk to anyone about your relationship as you would have to defend their actions and your decision to stay? Do you feel ashamed to stay, frightened to go? Have you started to avoid social situations so that you don’t have to talk about what is going on?

It is part of your recovery process to realise that although you have been in a love-based relationship they have been in a control-based relationship. They have been using you to have a feeling of control and power in their life and to offset their feelings of low self-worth. A bully makes others feel worse in order that they feel better in comparison. If someone is lower than you, you feel higher. 

Recognising that you are or have been on the receiving end of this abuse is a massive step towards your recovery. You are not to blame. You will heal the damage they have done. Once you are liberated mentally you can start to reconstruct yourself, to build your self-esteem. 

Remember - you are what you think. So think good thought about yourself. Words can help you mend. Stop yourself thinking negative things. Concentrate on all the good and start to love yourself again. Be your own best friend.

 From this place you can start to trust yourself and then others. With self-knowledge you are unlikely to repeat the pattern by falling for someone with the same behaviour patterns as you will no longer be vulnerable. Your strong self- belief will protect you. You sky will turn from grey to blue. It may take time but you have started on your new journey.

I had a light bulb moment when I was feeling in despair. I had got to the point where I hated myself and could see no benefit for my existence. Yet being a mother made me determined to fight on. Deep down there was an inner voice that knew I was not that bad, that I did have something to offer. My lightbulb moment happened when I was talking to someone about the symptoms of addiction and started recognising some of the signs in myself. Not to any chemical substance but to my relationship. The patterns of recovery and relapse seemed mirrored in my response to my partner. Why could I not free myself?

It made me search for a reason. I came across emotional abuse and recognised myself in the descriptions. This was a massive step forward for me as at last things began to make sense and from then on pieces of the jigsaw seemed to slot into place. My recovery began. 

Nelson Mandella would refer back to this poem time and again during his period of incarceration on Robin Island. I hope this helps you.

 INVICTUS by William Ernest Henley

 Out of the night that covers me,

 Black as the Pit from pole to pole,

 I thank whatever gods may be

 For my unconquerable soul.

 In the fell clutch of circumstance

 I have not winced nor cried aloud.

 Under the bludgeonings of chance

 My head is bloody, but unbowed.

 Beyond this place of wrath and tears

 Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years

 Finds, and shall find, me unafraid. 

It matters not how strait the gate,

 How charged with punishments the scroll.

 I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul.